remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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