Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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