I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
