anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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