saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
