dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize