so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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