Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Please don't give away my fajitas
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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