Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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