So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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