grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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