he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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