My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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