Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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