FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
