I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize