I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Also, beer. Big fan.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
