Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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