I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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