Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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