living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
