my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The uberlube is also flammable
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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