turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
