Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
