What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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