What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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