I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
