so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
