Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
