I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't deserve a penis
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize