I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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