Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
