Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize