i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
