I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
