Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
