By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
