you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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