I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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