Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
