I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
