you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
