You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize