I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
