I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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