well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
