Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
