I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
