proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
