I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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