Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
