YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
