I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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