You can't motorboat a personality
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
