the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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