I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
