Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
