Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
