I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize