Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
