dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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