Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Randomize
